Grief is a natural and inevitable human experience that we all must face at some point in our lives. Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship, either physical or emotional, health, a career, or something else meaningful to us – grief is the emotional suffering we endure when something we are attached to is taken away.
While grief itself cannot be avoided, the ways in which we cope with and process grief can be navigated. Understanding the typical stages of grief can help provide context and validation to what we may be experiencing emotionally and mentally.
Furthermore, learning productive coping mechanisms and healing strategies associated with each stage can empower us to grieve healthily and move through grief toward acceptance and even personal growth over time. This blog will explore the ten stages of grief as outlined by prominent grief theorist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and discuss effective ways to cope and heal at each stage.
The Ten Stages of Grief
Understanding the ten stages of grief can help those who are experiencing loss effectively cope and ultimately heal.
Stage 1: Denial
After a significant loss or bereavement, we often find ourselves in a state of denial, refusing to accept or believe the reality of what has happened. Denial, a temporary defence mechanism, allows us time and space to process and comprehend the loss in smaller increments rather than facing the whole devastating truth at once. It’s a normal part of the grieving process.
Stage 2: Anger
As denial begins to fade, anger, resentment, or envy often emerge. We may be angry at ourselves, a higher power, the person or thing we lost—anyone or anything that seems responsible for the loss. This anger can help mobilise us to take action, make changes, or seek justice. However, prolonged or unresolved anger can be destructive, so finding healthy ways to express and manage it is important.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Next, we enter the bargaining stage, where we try to negotiate or reason with fate by offering promises in exchange for taking back the loss. “If only…” statements often characterise this stage as we attempt to regain a sense of control. However, bargaining is ultimately pointless and only delays true acceptance.
Stage 4: Depression
Sadness sets in as anger and bargaining fail to undo the reality of loss. We may withdraw socially, feel empty and hopeless, and lose interest in activities. While important for emotional processing, lingering too long in depression prevents moving forward in healing.
Stage 5: Testing
At this stage, small tests of reality and the old roles we played before the loss occur to determine if we can now function without what or who was lost. Performance may fluctuate as old coping habits are replaced with new, healthy ones. Testing the waters of the post-loss world.
Stage 6: Acceptance
This marks a turning point where the reality of the loss is acknowledged, though not necessarily happily. Emotional energy shifts from the loss itself to rebuilding life and finding meaning going forward. Acceptance does not mean the importance of what was lost is minimised but that it is integrated into life.
Stage 7: Hope
With acceptance comes hope – hope that the pain of grief will lessen over time, that joy can still be found despite loss, and that meaning-making and growth remain possible. Starting to look to the future rather than fixating on the past aids hope.
Stage 8:Release
Releasing emotional energy tied to the loss itself and any unfinished business associated with it allows the emergence of new relationships and priorities untethered to what was lost. Freedom from a fixation on “what ifs” and resentment.
Stage 9: Reorganization
Life begins reorganising around a “new normal” without what was lost, allowing new roles, routines, and relationships to develop to fill the space left behind. Rediscovering one’s identity beyond just in relation to what was lost.
Stage 10: Reconstruction
Loss and the grief process become integrated into life’s narrative but no longer define one’s identity or purpose. Emotional ties are rebuilt around new priorities, and meaning emerges from the experience of grief itself. Reconstruction suggests ongoing growth.
Healthy Coping Strategies for Each Stage
Stage 1: Denial
- Don’t resist denial or try to overcome it prematurely. Use this time to take care of very basic needs like rest, shelter, and food.
- Share your denial with trusted supporters so they can validate your experience rather than rushing you.
Stage 2: Anger
- Find safe, constructive outlets for angry feelings, such as journaling, exercising, or shouting into a pillow. Do not act out anger toward others.
- Allow others to listen without judgment as anger passes naturally over time. Resist rash decisions in anger’s grip.
Stage 3: Bargaining
- Resist useless bargaining, which only delays acceptance. Instead, focus energy on things still within your control.
- Discuss your “if only” thinking with a counsellor to gain insight and compassion for yourself and the situation.
Stage 4: Depression
- Even severely depressed must meet basic needs with support. Avoid isolation, get sunlight, and limit alcohol/drugs.
- Counseling/support groups can help process sadness to acceptance and prevent chronic depression.
Stage 5: Testing
- Evaluate small functioning tests realistically based on where you are actually at versus how you think you “should” be.
- Get feedback from trusted others on readiness for bigger tests. Go slow, be patient, and be kind to yourself.
Stage 6: Acceptance
- Validate your feelings through journaling or sharing with others who understand grief’s ebbs and flows over time.
- Take small steps to rebuild life according to your values and what truly matters now. This may look different.
Stage 7: Hope
- Cherish small moments of joy or beauty presently available each day despite the loss.
- Recall past evidence of your resilience and ability to adapt to change, which fuels hope for the future.
Stage 8: Release
- Reflect or journal on unfinished business and thoughts, freeing yourself through processing rather than repressing them.
- Let go of “what ifs,” regrets, and bitterness over a lack of control by choosing forgiveness of self and others.
Stage 9: Reorganization
- Develop new meaningful daily rhythms and routines, even if small, as scaffolding for a new normal.
- Say yes to new opportunities that diversify your life experiences and support network beyond grief.
Stage 10: Reconstruction
- Celebrate growth and valuable lessons learned through the trial of grief; identity now incorporates loss experience but is not limited by it.
- Continued exploration helps apply one’s resilience, empathy, and wisdom gained to help others in their times of need.
FAQs
Why don’t the stages of grief always happen in order?
It’s common for the ten stages of grief to not occur strictly in sequential order or for someone grieving to experience multiple stages simultaneously. Individual experience often includes recursions between different stages as part of the dynamic, non-linear grieving process. Most importantly, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
How long does grief typically last?
While grief never ends completely, the intensity of acute grieving usually starts to lessen for most people within 6-12 months after a loss. However, there is no set timetable – how long it takes to work through each grief stage varies greatly from person to person depending on factors like the relationship to the deceased, circumstances of death, support received, and individual coping style.
Is it normal to feel guilt as part of grief?
Yes, guilt is a normal part of grieving for many. Survivor’s guilt, regrets about things said or unsaid, and questioning if something could have been done differently are common forms of guilt feelings that tend to emerge in bargaining, depression, or acceptance stages of grief. Therapy or peer support groups can help process such feelings, which usually lessen over time naturally, too, as part of healing.
When should I seek counselling for complicated grief?
Some potential signs it’s time to seek counselling include intensive grief symptoms after one year, inability to function at work or home life due to grief, suicidal thoughts, using unhealthy coping strategies like drugs/alcohol, excessively blaming self for the loss, or chronic debilitating emotions like anger, depression, or detachment from others. A therapist can help navigate complicated grief more proactively.
What are the warning signs of prolonged, complicated grief?
Warning signs can include intense pining/longing for the deceased after six months; the belief that symptoms of grief mean the individual should join the deceased; anger/bitterness preventing moves toward acceptance and finding meaning; withdrawing from social support and responsibilities of work/family life; substance abuse; and suicidal thoughts. Persistent avoidance of reminders of loss may also indicate more chronic grief. Therapy can help process complicated grief more constructively.
Conclusion
While greatly suffering, grief can also be an opportunity for transformation. Understanding the typical stages provides empathy and wisdom to support loved ones as they navigate loss. Though grief manifests uniquely per individual, focusing one’s coping on self-care, processing emotions fully yet gently, leaning on community, embracing joy despite sorrow, and meaning-making over time optimises working through each stage towards healing and post-traumatic growth.
With patience and compassion for the difficult journey, reconstruction suggests the integration of loss into one’s story and the renewal that emerges from walking faithfully through even our deepest sorrows.
